Chironic pain

I’ve had a sound day today.

A few chats about astrology and couple of people asking me for readings. It seems like Mars going back to forward motion is about to reflect me getting a bit busier with my work. (Mars rules my ascendant and 6th house)

I took a walk in the rain on my way back to where I’m staying.

That felt liberating.

Such a familiar feeling when I’m on the road. Strong sense of belonging. Lightness in my heart as I move forward.

Freedom.

Then, when I got “home” had the room for myself and the chance to catch up with sad feelings.

Feeling rejected always brings the old pain back.

And that’s when I realise that transiting chiron has just turned retrograde. It’s at 25 degrees Pisces, just one degree away from making an opposition to my Venus from my natal 5th house. (5th house is ruled by Neptune which makes a square to natal Venus..)

Disillusionment.

That is painful. But a different kind of pain, compared to the plutonian one.

This seems to be a more silent kind of pain, less dramatic. Not so much death involved, but a sense of damage beyond repair.

It’s quiet and yet profound. Pluto pain is a lot louder, it really messes you up. It cuts you open and throws your guts all over the place. Blood everywhere. Dramatic shock.

Not with chiron though.

Transiting Saturn has also been activating my natal chiron, and so has Neptune. Again, similar “chironic”/neptunian theme.

Feeling damaged and silently crying, like an orphan on mother’s day.

Then I speak with a friend, laughter. Her healthy and beautiful face fills my heart and removes me from that space.

And for now I am whole again.

Advertisements

Let go letter # 17

Another corpse within me,

The death of my dying feelings for you.

I thank you and remove the dead skin of yesterday’s love.

I want to be free, I want to soar into the heights of depth…

I want bravery to unflinchingly be

And I like it hot.

I now know, noo  ..

Pluto teachings on impermanence..

I’ve been feeling quite weird since the referendum’s result yesterday. (UK leaving the EU)

Confusion.

But I think, mostly, I am tapping into the collective confusion.

I know that, because my life has been quite messy and unclear for over a year now. Since I left my “stability” I’ve been working hard on a stronger sense of solidity and strength. (The kind that does not come from any temporary situation)

It really seems like I have truly understood that everything is so changeable that if we attach our happiness/security/meaning to anything outside ourselves we are bound, sooner or later, to be in despair.

I don’t see any other way to achieve inner peace than achieving it through some serious personal work. What else can we do really?

How can you stop life from happening? (in a larger sense)

Everything inevitably has an end and that causes suffering.

(No news for the Buddhists)

Places, countries, jobs, relationships, economy, you name it. There is always going to be the birth, development and then death of something. That’s the natural law.

And our ego self isn’t necessarily our wisest source of guidance, most of the time I find it to be just the opposite really.

Vanity, pride, greed, selfishness…  the unconscious fear of disappearing is very often a guiding force to our ego. Fear of not being good enough, fear of not having enough, fear of the fear..

There must be a way out!

And for me, the way out is only through finding Me.

I really don’t know what the future holds. Even when I look at future planetary transits (that so many times can be counterproductive as it easily becomes a source of fear and anxiety) I don’t truly know what is going to happen.

It might be this, it might be that.

In this way, I don’t feel I have much power over the future really.

My power is over myself, is over how I learn to master myself. Not about how I suppress my emotions but, more perhaps, about how I can work with these powerful energies. CONSCIOUSLY.

It’s about finding ways to keep yourself centred so nothing (am I deluding myself?!) can throw you off balance. Nothing!

Feeling fearful or anxious won’t make any situation better.

And so I’ve practiced yoga twice today and I’m really paying attention to boundaries. It feels good.

The funny thing is that retrograde Saturn is making an exact trine to my MC and I ended up, surprisingly, leading a yoga practice here in the mornings. Tomorrow is my third day doing it..

 

Professionautism..

I’m in Little Dean now (just near the forest of Dean) at the lovely community I spent last year’s summer.

It’s really amazing to be back here, this is one of those really special places in the world. The kind that you always want to go back to.

Yesterday we had dinner together, big table and many blessings. Abundance. Laughter.

Then we improvised a little ritual for the summer solstice/full moon in Sagittarius.

They were asking me what should they write it down. Me, the astrologer.

So I briefly said some stuff about the solstice and full moons and Sagittarius/Gemini flavours.

It was difficult to translate the symbols to each and everyone without being able to get personal.

As an astrologer you really have to, not only master your understanding of what those symbols could possibly mean, but also have the sensitivity and flexibility to translate the meanings back to a language that each individual can relate to.

I’m specifically speaking about a very mixed crowd of people. (different than teaching a group of people that somehow are on the same “page”)

Anyways, the situation made me think about the slow pace that my astrological career is taking. It made me think of how I’m really binding my time when it comes to “putting myself out there”.

Connecting this with what I wrote on my last post (and the conflicting dialogue between Saturn and Neptune in the sky) I am reluctant to getting out there as the “mystic astrologer” kind of thing. The airy fairie type that keep always speaking of changes and letting go and everything that is also nothing at the same time.

I thought about it. I’ve questioned myself if this is an ego trip (the need to be recognised for doing a serious intellectual work) and I’m really trying to peal my ego by having almost nothing at the moment.

But my conclusion is that this isn’t really about my ego. (or is it?!)

I just need to be authentic and true to myself.

That way of doing it (selling myself hard, advertising that I can help you find your purpose or whatever, or perhaps making my practice into a business) doesn’t seem to resonate with me.

I’m resistant. I just want things to unfold organically.

And I am hoping that I’m not deluding myself.. the whole Saturn/Neptune thing again..

(and this full Moon was bang on on my natal Neptune in the second house..)

The Saturn/Neptune challenge

 

At my yoga course one of the teachers said a couple of times: “Too much of an open mind and you end up with your brain scattered all over the floor”. (Something like that)

My virgoan mind understands that danger pretty well I guess. So I’ve always had a tendency to, deep inside, doubt every piece of occult knowledge that I would come across. I was always deeply fascinated about it I confess, but I would also always question every thought or conclusion.

I would always secretly ask myself if I was going mad or something.

Then I came across Carl Jung’s work and with that I encountered some sort of relief. Something clicked inside me and with psychology on my side I could surrender a little deeper into my research.

(The unconscious had always scared and fascinated me.)

Until transiting Neptune opposed my Mercury couple of years ago.

During that time I saw my mind scrambling down almost completely. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t read a book (I used to read books on a regular basis). It was really strange not to be able to think clearly.

But around that time I was having the most amazing and informative dream life that I’ve ever had. I would wake up to incredible holographic lectures on the meaning of Saturn conjunct the MC or some other astrological concept.

Since then, my capacity to interpret astrological symbols got a lot deeper and more intuitive. Now when I look at a chart I’m not only using all of the theoretical information that my brain is capable of decoding and keeping stored but I also feel the chart.

I get acquainted with what the symbols potentially represent by using my rational side, but the symbols speak to me mainly through what I feel while gazing at the picture.

That was part of the Neptunian process of dissolution for me.

And now that Saturn makes a square to Neptune in the sky I find it very important to ask ourselves how to make the balance between these two principles.

How not to be limited by a purely analytical/scientific approach to life, but at the same time, how to not become an airy faerie believer?!

(like I see so many with the increasing “new age” stuff and the pop culture of the “law of attraction” without much substance.)