This is my second official morning in Bristol.
I’ve managed to start moving here even though I still haven’t found a home yet.
Got on a train on Wednesday with my backpack, a suitcase and my bicycle and it was very nice to see a few people really keen on offering me a hand. The world is full of good people.
Then on the same day I went to check a potential home and really enjoyed it. It just felt right. Even the name of the street: Gratitude Road. Love it.
They have a nice garden in the back where they used to grow some veggies but now is mostly overgrown nasturtium. She seemed happy when I told her that I have a bit of experience with gardening. She is Taurus and also on a spiritual path.
So then my uncertainty about the room that I had checked previously just grew.
When I came here straight after Buddhafields I had the opportunity to go and see a house. I knocked on the door and when the woman opened it and invited me in, the first thought that crossed my mind was a clear and loud no.
I don’t know why I didn’t listen to it from the beginning.
Suddenly I was caught in the middle of the whole (bizarre) agency bureaucratic process when I still wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move in. I wasn’t completely sure that that was my home to be.
Anxiety over the referencing process. Somehow, in a strange way, they make you feel like a criminal. Checking this, checking that.
The whole thing was just making me feel very uncomfortable and a little scared of coming back to a “normal” life in society. I sent couple of emails that didn’t get any response, from the agency as well as one of the potential house mates.
No clear communication. No real connection or appreciation. Only a business like thing going on.
Big lesson to me about not allowing myself to get wrapped up in situations anymore. (perhaps my neptunian side combined with the Libra moon?)
Then yesterday I had to finally speak up my truth.
An email was sent to the agency (still without a response) and another one to the potential house mate.
It was really hard to let these people down, but I couldn’t sign a contract and move in somewhere only because I didn’t want to disappoint others. She straight away replied to me fairly aggressive, saying that I would have to deal with the “very bad karma that you have just generated” and also saying that I don’t have integrity.
My intuition was confirmed and I felt relieved that I didn’t sign the contract.
Everyone that knows me a little bit knows how much integrity is important to me.
I still replied a very nice email apologising again and explaining that it was out of integrity with them and integrity with myself that I wasn’t going to move in because it didn’t fell right.
I can see how my Moon in Libra’s unconscious reactions, (to be a people pleaser for instance), is being challenged now. I can see how much I really need to be liked and how that need has driven me to almost move in with people that I didn’t truly feel connected.
(After all the trouble that I went through in order to find and to relate with like minded people!)
I’m very proud of myself though. Proud of being able to say no. And I am Happy to see myself becoming more and more authentic.
So I will end this post with a positive message.
After lots and lots of suffering and dealing with toxic emotional junk that was lingering on my psyche, during the last hit of transiting Pluto to my moon I can already see how much I’ve changed for better. I feel lighter and much more able to be truthful to my essence.
I am not here to make everyone like me as there is no point in being appreciated by compromising your truth.
I still make an effort to be nice to people because that’s a strong part of my nature, but without betraying my essence.
Is a pity if you don’t like me, but life goes on.