Short but big news!

I’m in my new bedroom right now! ! !

I feel like screaming.

How can one measure the happiness and satisfaction of having a home again after plutonic destruction?!

♡♡♡ Gratitude

(This is a short post as I’m feeling quite exhausted)

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Toiletroom

How amazing.

I’m laying down on the floor of a tiny little room beside the toilet at my friend’s house. The boiler is in this place and keeps making quite a bit of noise every now and then.

There is a broken chair and some of my stuff spread around.

A bag filled with books, a backpack and a big box containing a random selection of my belongings that I’ve picked up yesterday at my brother’s house.

The last time I saw these box was when I moved out back in March 2015. It feels like having a little treasure really. I had forgotten a lot of those things and it was a joy yesterday to have them in my hands again.

Never mind that though, I’m not so much into the material side of things. Things are just things. They’re replaceable.

What I want to state here is my feeling of appreciation for this piece of floor in this tiny room (while Pluto goes direct!). The old me would not be able to even conceive myself being relax and feeling secure in a situation like this one right now.

And right now I just feel so grateful for being able to sleep alone again…

Lately I’ve been craving my own company so much that I would rejoice in the toilet for having the feeling of aloneness between 4 walls..

(And speaking about that, someone just used the toilet as I was writing this post and the smell is pretty bad here now..)

Updates of plutonian times..

I’m hanging out at my friend’s kitchen now.

As usual he has woken me up at 7:30 am with his idiosyncratic routine. He is renting both of the bedrooms in the flat so we share the living room when I’m around.

I’m back in London again. I’m still traveling quite a bit even though I’m just getting more and more tired of it.

Last week I was at the forest of Dean which was lovely.

The man I’ve been seeing came to visit me and again we had an intense fight on the third day that we spent together. That’s also the third time this happens.

The Venus square Neptune part of my psyche really can’t seem to be able to discriminate and see this relationship clearly.

On one hand he challenges me a lot, which is great. I’ve never been with a guy who would confront me like he does. On another hand our encounters are becoming very stressful when we fight (even though we also share intense positive moments) and I can’t help but think that perhaps I would be better off on my own.

Since Pluto started transiting my natal Moon I’ve gone through so much strife and crisis. So much destruction has happened and now I just feel like rebuilding myself. Moving into my new home, focusing on saving up some money to buy myself a laptop again (pretty hard to keep writing on this small tablet.), sticking up to a good daily routine.. loving myself…

I’m also sure that he is a manifestation of this transit as I’ve met him when Pluto was retrograde making the third exact square to my moon in July.

Old manipulative tecniques, emotional blackmail, victimisation.. old unconscious patterns of relating in general don’t feature in my interaction with this man.

It doesn’t work. (Not that I consciously want them to work)

He always challenges and questions my communication a lot. He has Venus in Scorpio in the third house and is a lot more direct and talkative than most Scorpio in Venus men that I’ve been with in the past.

He is currently at a 10 day meditation retreat and we agreed not to talk to each other for those days.

Today I’m officially counting down the days to move in to my new bedroom in Bristol. 7 days to go. (And Pluto will be direct when that happens..)

Saturn is also making a trine to my MC and I’ve had a few unexpected requests for astrology work. That’s truly great because I’m not putting much of my energy into my passion at the moment (domestic issues are feeling more urgent with this Pluto/Moon stuff)  so I can only imagine how it will be when I do focus on my work.

Internally I already feel different though. More confidence is available as I’m stepping more and more into my inner authority without feeling scared.

Empowerment.

Also yesterday I did my first head stand.

I’ve been patiently and slowly working towards that since January. I wanted to do it with control and equilibrium rather than by throwing my legs against the wall.

Respect the timing..

(This also works as a symbolic reflection of all the work that I’ve been doing on myself with those multiple transits in the last few years..)

Eclipses/plutonian whine..

It seems like ages since the last time I wrote.

I’ve tried moving to Bristol already but somehow it didn’t work.

A lot has happened since August 17th (which I’m not going to explain here right now) including being one of the chosen girls to move in that lovely house on Gratitude road. I’m very happy about that but I am only moving in on 1st of October

So obviously I still have to deal with a lot of intense emotions while Pluto squares my natal Moon in retrograde motion now. (It really seems like every time that an outer planet is in retrograde motion hitting one of my natal planets the urge to act is there but I can’t quite do it)

I feel a lot of pressure building up and I really cannot stand being homeless anymore.

There is a lot of intense emotions mixed up with profound insights but without a place to be the container for me to concentrate and work with them is very hard.

I have people around me most of the time and as much as I love helping/listening/healing them all, I am fucking sick of everyone at the moment.

I feel drained.

Everyone has got issues, patterns, bad habits and stuff that I really don’t want to be dealing with 24/7. I’m tired of being the psychologist in exchange for a couch or a floor to sleep on. I’m tired of socialising, tired of giving myself off constantly. I am sick of being the container for other people’s projections..

I just wanna be alone to cultivate and increase my energy.

I want to have space to practice my yoga everyday at the same time, a space to conserve my focus and discipline without having to compromise.

I long for a place where I can profoundly connect with my inner life again. Feel my inner seasons, watch the trees through the window with a silent sense of understanding and stillness, just like I used to do when I had a home.

I want to be able to focus on myself entirely without being judged or interrupted by others. I need a break from this too “masculine” world of productivity.

I need air to just be.