Inner chaos

No, I didn’t get the job.

And from one moment to the next I am thrown back into the Pluto transiting second house, going back to square natal Moon, situation.

Anxious feelings about survival pervading me… an unpleasant sensation in my stomach and the absolute certainty that I do not want and will not go back to working in hospitality.

Even if that means giving up my life in Bristol and going back to Brasil.

There must be a way out from jobs that you don’t enjoy, jobs that crush your soul. I can’t go on like that anymore.

And at the same time..

The fear that I’m never gonna get out of this, no matter how much I want, how much I try, the fear of never accomplishing my purpose..

The fear of running out of cash like I did when I moved here in September last year.

On another hand I did do quite a few readings since I quit the cafe hell. Is just dealing with the insecurity of not working for someone else, which at the end of the day I don’t truly want anyways. So what is the trouble?! What’s wrong with me?!

Perhaps the last wave of infantile fears and inappropriate behaviour that is coming up to the surface for me to release them?

Pluto will be back at 16 degrees Capricorn by December, only one degree away from my natal Moon, and that does reflect that the transformation (connected with this symbolism in particular) still an ongoing process for me.

I did notice that I had a massive crisis at my cafe work, really wanting to leave, on the very same day that Pluto went retrograde.

It made me chuckle when I realised the synchronicity, and the thought of “no, it isn’t finished yet” came straight back into my mind.

There we go, here I am again, struggling to find a way of surviving in this society (Soulful survival). Getting extremely fed up with what prevents me from becoming myself.

What happens next? I don’t know, I just don’t know.

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11 thoughts on “Inner chaos

  1. My progressed Moon has been closing in on my natal Pluto in the 10th house the past few months whilst inconveniently getting yanked at by the opposing Uranus transit in the 4th. Everything you describe of your experience, I feel it too! Except I know mine might be more transient than yours? Bless you, truly.
    I can’t wait for the P. Moon to get a move on and away! I hope by the time Pluto turns direct you have an amazing resurrection and get everything you need and want to feel secure and at peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, I hope so too! So you also have gone through a progressed moon square transiting Pluto some time ago? How was that?
      My progressed moon has just recently moved to Capricorn and it will probably catch up with transiting Pluto at some point I think.. ♡

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      • Oh my Moon didn’t square Pluto it conjunct it!! Which is SO much worse, in my opinion (I handle squares well because my chart ONLY has those!) and I’m still under that conjunction. In fact it’s perfecting this month! But I have to say it has helped me clear out some really old, outdated emotional debris….I feel….reborn (so textbook!) in an emotional sense. And free of all attachment. Still the good bits get soured by all those money and survival worries (that you are suffering from too), but that too has helped me to clarify my future goals…so it’s a hairy time but the blessings are sublime. xx Good luck!

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  2. It takes Buddhists many Lifetimes to get to “Don’t Know,” which they aspire to because it may be the only way we can ever Manifest anything that exceeds our former Unconscious Limiting Beliefs, which are a correlate of “what we know.” We have to Learn to celebrate “Don’t Know,” and Embrace our own Despair with Compassion for our Frustration.
    Consider the possibility that there are two of you inside your skin; one of you Feels Frustrated, and the second one Wants Soul Integrity and Freedom. Slide your Identity over to the second one, and Allow yourself to Feel for a moment the Light and Excitement of her/your Quest. See what happens when your Questing self says to your Frustrated self, “We aren’t there yet, but you know, we’re working on it, and we’re actually making progress; rejecting what we Don’t Want is as important as Accepting what we Do Want.”
    Learning to Accept and Embrace ALL of our Emotions (which is ultimately the Lesson-Plan of Pluto-Moon) is one of the most important things we can Learn, because it reduces the Self-Rejection that inhibits our Ability to Manifest all of What We Want. The ultimate Lesson that the Moon has for us is **Trust Your Instincts** because they will take you where you Want to go, or Teach you how to make course corrections. Trusting your Instincts is exactly what you’re doing (yes, it’s Scary). Pluto is about what can be modified but not reversed, so Pluto-Moon events Teach us to Trust our Instincts, like it or not.

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  3. Fearing cycles is bad enough not to throw astrological technicalities in the mix. It reminds me of my brief study of “face reading.” I already am not a huge fan of my appearance (which makes the whole “love yourself first” concept a bit of a challenge), but reading someone’s analysis of certain features predicting unpleasant events…well, it paled me to the core, and I decided not to revisit that book.

    You know the old sayings about ignorance being bliss and the less you know the less that can hurt you. Sometimes fumbling in the dark, we learn to adjust our movement versus trying to follow a video game walkthrough written by someone who is not you or me.

    And, just as experience is the natural teacher not found in any school, it is that which the work force looks upon favorably…or so they say when they aren’t selective based on the very race/minorities and special need cases that seem to beef up a business’ social/ethic standing. In other words, you could have all the experience in the world, but its your paid credentials, your debt to college, pursuit of further education and some family needs that seem to encourage employment. That is, unless any of that prevents adequate service. So, if you have kids that take too much of your time–or you cannot afford a babysitter–you might not be fit for the job, though the job would love to say they are supporting such a family on their reputation paperwork.

    In short, I know those tremors of survival. I felt like a rodent thrust into a predator-infested jungle. I might have had a total meltdown if I didn’t have a security blanket. It is that fear that keeps the hairs standing on my skin, my waistline rail thin and my reflexes ready to knock someone senseless, denying me the ease of social interaction. [In not so technical terms. 🙂 ]

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    • Well, I guess the goal is self employment really.. I can see more and more how distant I am from the whole job interview dynamic. Is weird.
      And Astrology is just a language, a symbolic language to interpret reality.. based on the premise of “as above, so below”, a reflection of what is going on inside us as well.
      Anyways, thank you for reading! ♡

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      • I’d say the goal is some trace of historical thinking in many of us, longing to get back to the days of bartering and family trades instead of signing contracts and hoping to stick with a job that isn’t in the family.

        Job interviews, depending upon how they are given, can be deceivingly positive or weird themselves. I’m not big on suits and ties, so I have my own little qualm with the status quo. But, I suppose, interviews are the way they are because, like the economy, people struggle to concoct some method of taking desired action that is safe to apply to all people without causing an upset/uprising. They are an attempt at orderly interaction that can come off a bit robotic and discomforting.

        I get the thrill of interpreting languages. But, I also realize that, sometimes, the less we probe/know, the less we are troubled.

        In a way, it’s sort of like a romantic relationship. The more I learn, the more I discover baggage and other troubles I may not like or be able to handle. And, rather than get engaged to astrology, I prefer to remain just good friends. hehe [At least, until I pair up with someone more “in tune” like yourself who might spend enough time sitting down with me and making sense of the technical matter, provided it doesn’t strike me the way stories from my sis about her workplace do.]

        I get that astrology is complex and that there is much to study and comprehend. It could predict one’s whole life and/or the future of the planet. But, maybe, for me to live with less internal stress, it’s best to keep my interaction with astrology simpler. Thus, my knowledge of technical terms is….well, rather lacking. But, I uphold a certain astrological social spirit which keeps me interested in looking at people’s signs and birth/natal charts, comparing notes and deducing why we are the way we are, keeping the details organic between two or more minds (in person) rather than absorb information from an outside (digital or paper) source.

        It’s also easier (for me) to dissect what someone is saying about their feelings/reactions when they speak in “organic”/human terms versus degrees, angles and squares, etc. I may not make an accurate assessment, in astrological terms, but I feel by simply thinking of astrology in the situation, I am able to draw conclusions which, hopefully, satisfy both the person I am speaking with and myself. [I would not pass myself off as a professional astrologer, but I help where I can/feel willing and able.]

        I hope I don’t sound imposing, expressing these personal views of mine.

        If you feel like chatting about anything going on with yourself and/or any astro stuff, feel free to drop a note in my mailbox.

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