A little note on doing rather than being..

Again its been ages since I wrote something..

Winter is coming here in England and I feel the darkness more and more.

The urgency reflected by transiting Pluto square to my natal Moon seems to be slowly fading away and I am still trying to see clearly what is left within myself.

Perhaps the seasonal darkness can help me making sense of who I am now; but lately I have had people coming to visit and stay with me and its been difficult to spend quality time on my own.

My brother came to visit this weekend. He is gone now and I am feeling a little nostalgic and somewhat sad.

5 years without going back to Brasil or seeing my parents starts to weigh on me I think..

I have a few ideas for new talks and a short course on astrology that I want to put together for early next year, but the darkness and emotional digestive process that I am going through now seem to be holding me back a little.

Is funny how much we seem to have lost touch with the natural processes of gestation and death, with the natural cycles of life.. with the seasons..

Our conditionings, that are supported by technological discoveries (electricity for instance), tells us repeatedly that we should be productive at all times. It tells us that only summer is great, with its long days full of laughter and social times.

It tells us that only the fruit is great, and that we should be ripping them constantly. But what about the seeding? Or taking care of the soil? Those activities are not as glamorous in our society..

I am writing this post in an attempt to dialogue with the voice in my own head that keeps nagging me for not being productive enough.

The darkest time of the year is supposed to be the time to go inwards isn’t?! A time for recoiling and pondering everything that has happened so far and identifying where you’re at in the process of becoming..

This is the time for reassessment and hopefully deeper understanding… why so much pressure to be doing things all the time?!

 

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Pain(s) and beauty(s) of self-employment..

Im having a bit of an issue getting in touch with a client that still has to pay for my service and doesn’t get back to me.

And I wonder, has every astrologer/freelancer gone through something similar?! Do we have to ask for guarantees beforehand and mistrust people’s sense of integrity?

Maybe this person is very busy… with a very sick mother.. and/or the telephone sank in the toilet.. who knows?!

To be honest isn’t even the lack of payment that bothers me, but the potential lack of respect.

Anyways, apart from this situation, things are developing well for me.

I have recently set up another talk at the same spot here in Bristol and feel excited about it. The first one went pretty well and I felt so energised afterwards.. also with great feedback from people.

Public speaking seems to be a very strong part of my call and I am looking forward to doing more and more of it.

With my progressed Moon currently in Capricorn I am finding great pleasure in getting on with “To do” lists like never before.

More fun than dancing or having idle time… very appreciative of increasing productivity at the moment ..

Subpersonalities and Astrology

I have been truly busy.

I guess that’s no news since my last post (or maybe the one just before the last?)

I remember talking about how much I’m actually enjoying the energy that the entrance of my progressed Moon into Capricorn is reflecting at this moment in time.

Focus, grounding, practicality and the enjoyment of doing what needs to be done.

But everything has two sides, and yesterday I just realised how much I’ve been under the grips of my animus. The masculine in me has been repressing and beating my feminine up big time.

The realisation came after a heated argument with my boyfriend about statistics and astrology that went wrong.

Why was I so strongly attached in defending my point of view like that?

After crying a little and consequently allowing the feminine energy to flow back through me it was clear that the man inside me was just becoming a bit of a tyrant..

And going back to the magical ways that astrology works… right when my boyfriend left, a bit pissed off, I straight away went back to working on the 3 months forecast that I was writing to one of my clients before he arrived.

As Im back to the writings, feeling still quite angry myself, I realised that I was speaking about the Moon activating my client’s natal Chiron in Gemini opposing Mars in Sagittarius when my visitor interrupted me..

I have Chiron in Gemini making an opposition to Mars (conjunct Uranus) in Sagittarius myself and I knew that this configuration, which is the symbolic representation of my animus as well, was being activated at that very moment with the recent argument..

Not only that.

I then became aware that this configuration was somehow overtaking me in the last few days and I wasn’t sure what was going on, why I wasn’t feeling quite right, until that moment..

And now Im also reading a lecture by Howard Saportas on Subpersonalities and psychological conflict.

So interesting!

Seeing each different configuration in the astrological chart as one of your subpersonalities fighting for attention or sometimes possessing you..

Timed by transits and progressions, or perhaps activated by the influence of another person’s presence (which you can see with the synastry), these are the moments that you have the opportunity to reintegrate them and move further ahead on your individuation process.

So today, to bring balance, Im making a point on embracing my feminine energy again.

 

Inner chaos

No, I didn’t get the job.

And from one moment to the next I am thrown back into the Pluto transiting second house, going back to square natal Moon, situation.

Anxious feelings about survival pervading me… an unpleasant sensation in my stomach and the absolute certainty that I do not want and will not go back to working in hospitality.

Even if that means giving up my life in Bristol and going back to Brasil.

There must be a way out from jobs that you don’t enjoy, jobs that crush your soul. I can’t go on like that anymore.

And at the same time..

The fear that I’m never gonna get out of this, no matter how much I want, how much I try, the fear of never accomplishing my purpose..

The fear of running out of cash like I did when I moved here in September last year.

On another hand I did do quite a few readings since I quit the cafe hell. Is just dealing with the insecurity of not working for someone else, which at the end of the day I don’t truly want anyways. So what is the trouble?! What’s wrong with me?!

Perhaps the last wave of infantile fears and inappropriate behaviour that is coming up to the surface for me to release them?

Pluto will be back at 16 degrees Capricorn by December, only one degree away from my natal Moon, and that does reflect that the transformation (connected with this symbolism in particular) still an ongoing process for me.

I did notice that I had a massive crisis at my cafe work, really wanting to leave, on the very same day that Pluto went retrograde.

It made me chuckle when I realised the synchronicity, and the thought of “no, it isn’t finished yet” came straight back into my mind.

There we go, here I am again, struggling to find a way of surviving in this society (Soulful survival). Getting extremely fed up with what prevents me from becoming myself.

What happens next? I don’t know, I just don’t know.

Transiting Nodes

Have you ever noticed what happened when transiting North node hit something on your chart?!

Transiting node now is just about to make a conjunction to my natal Sun, and regarding the frustrations I wrote about yesterday, I have a good feeling about it.

The lunar nodes are considered to have a connection with karmic lessons and spiritual growth, and I have been observing it’s reflection when it touched something important in my chart.

In my experience there is usually someone else involved.

When transiting North Node made a conjunction with my Ascendant, Moon and Venus (in different occasions) I met someone that somehow taught me a relevant lesson regarding the principle in question.

When the nodes transited my ASC-DSC axis I met the guy who I shortly after would have my Saturn return intense experience with. Encountering this person has taught me lessons in so many levels that it is still hard to pinpoint.

I also see the karmic intensity of it by the fact that transiting South Node was right on my DSC. (If there is such a thing as past lifes, I certainly have met him before)

The two other occasions were a little lighter.

With North node transiting my natal Moon I got reunited with my past lover, the one that had a very relevant role in me acting upon my decision to leave my life in London behind (culminated with the first square from Pluto to my Moon in early 2015).

Then when transiting North Node was conjuncting my natal Venus I met a very interesting (not in a romantic way) polish man in Thailand, that gave me many insights into my love life (not only) and who gave me a peculiar and intense healing session.

That was quite powerful and somehow prepared the ground for the ¬†intense healing experience I’ve had during my yoga course.

Now transiting North Node is just about to hit my natal Sun, in a moment when I’ve been feeling deflated and longing for more opportunities to express my solar principle.

(I’ve been reading “The Luminaries” by Liz Greene and Howard Sasportas and getting a lot of inspiration from it, couldn’t recommend more! Do read it if you want to get a deeper understanding of the solar and lunar function in the and astrological chart.)

Will keep my eyes wide open now..