Inner chaos

No, I didn’t get the job.

And from one moment to the next I am thrown back into the Pluto transiting second house, going back to square natal Moon, situation.

Anxious feelings about survival pervading me… an unpleasant sensation in my stomach and the absolute certainty that I do not want and will not go back to working in hospitality.

Even if that means giving up my life in Bristol and going back to Brasil.

There must be a way out from jobs that you don’t enjoy, jobs that crush your soul. I can’t go on like that anymore.

And at the same time..

The fear that I’m never gonna get out of this, no matter how much I want, how much I try, the fear of never accomplishing my purpose..

The fear of running out of cash like I did when I moved here in September last year.

On another hand I did do quite a few readings since I quit the cafe hell. Is just dealing with the insecurity of not working for someone else, which at the end of the day I don’t truly want anyways. So what is the trouble?! What’s wrong with me?!

Perhaps the last wave of infantile fears and inappropriate behaviour that is coming up to the surface for me to release them?

Pluto will be back at 16 degrees Capricorn by December, only one degree away from my natal Moon, and that does reflect that the transformation (connected with this symbolism in particular) still an ongoing process for me.

I did notice that I had a massive crisis at my cafe work, really wanting to leave, on the very same day that Pluto went retrograde.

It made me chuckle when I realised the synchronicity, and the thought of “no, it isn’t finished yet” came straight back into my mind.

There we go, here I am again, struggling to find a way of surviving in this society (Soulful survival). Getting extremely fed up with what prevents me from becoming myself.

What happens next? I don’t know, I just don’t know.

Tying knots in the 2nd house..

The intensity of these month with the culmination of the last exact square from transiting Pluto to my natal Moon has been quite different from the previous ones.

The impression that I have is that things have been challenged to transform from within,  beginning with the deepest unconscious layers (still when Pluto was 2 degrees orbit away from the first exact square), and now perhaps hitting mostly the more gross parts that still need to be fined tuned.

In the last two months I haven’t had many internal breakdowns or many difficult emotions to deal with. During the first square in March 2015 I was overwhelmed by fear and sadness and emotions in general.

Now I feel a lot more stable and secure within myself.

What seems to be happening in this last stage is more connected with work and financial life and my values really (a lot of the matters connected with the 2nd house of the horoscope).

It was only in the last week that I consciously noticed how much I’m already feeling deflated and bored at work. I think I sort of came to the realisation that this is “just another job” again.

We aren’t really doing much to get involved in the local community, mainly the boss is focused on making money and a bit desperate because we are still not very busy. He is saving money on certain things that I disagree on like rubbish collection (we are not recycling yet!! I still can’t really believe that he doesn’t seem to care too much about that).

Then I also have noticed him at times behaving like a capitalist desperate boss, feeling agitated when he sees you sitting down for a bit (on a shift of 9 hours and and half standing on your feet) on a day that is extremely quiet and there isn’t much to do anyway.

(I’m not holding a grudge or anything, don’t get me wrong. I can see that he is trying his best and that he doesn’t have much experience.)

But my problem is that there seems to be more preoccupation with looking cool and forward thinking and ecological than actually truly caring about the environment for instance.

I understand that this is just the first month and chaos is all around. But he did get some extra money from the bank so there shouldn’t be an excuse for recycling and composting food ¬†and coffee waste.

I feel like I’m still going against my values, a bit like I was when living in London.

I don’t want to put my energy into egotistical purposes. I want to work for something that will improve the collective situation somehow.

Power to the people.

So this week I’m only working for 3 days and the idea that I could save up money to do a yoga teacher training in 3 months is gone.

Now I’m not sure anymore. All I know is that I have to invest more time and energy into my work as an astrologer and perhaps still live on a low budget for some time.

But I refuse to give my energy full time to something that I don’t believe in..

Words for catching up

Pluto is making its lat exact square to my natal moon for the whole month of November and I feel like I’ve been very busy.

There is a lot that I would like to do, but at the moment most of my energy is concentrated in rebuilding the material structures of my life.

I’m also putting some of my energy into socialising and sharing myself with others, especially with my boyfriend.

Yes, a lot has happened and I haven’t really broken up the relationship with the sagittarian guy I’ve met at the festival during the summer. After much turmoil (especially during the intense month of September and early October), and presenting many challenges to each other, our bond seems to be becoming more solid.

This is proving to be a deeper relationship.

I can’t be bother to pretend being something that I’m not and even when I sometimes unconsciously try reliving some of the old patterns of behaviour he stops me right away by openly challenging me.

He doesn’t let me fall asleep.

Two days ago I bought couple of floral remedies and I am really interested in taking some kind of course or going for a workshop to learn more about it.

They truly fascinate me and I can easily imagine them becoming my next obsession..

I started taking centaury (one of Bach remedies).

The medium I’ve met at a healing centre in Holland during my travels last year who told me I should have that one.

In five minutes she was able to summarise what was one of the main reasons for many of my issues. That was impressive and her words echoes in my mind still.

It felt like an important part of the puzzle was given to me on that day. My search had become a little clearer.

About 10 days ago I watched a webinar about Pluto with Liz Greene.

She is truly brilliant.

One of the tips she gave us was to track down the transits from Pluto to your natal chart, even the ones that happened before you were born, and see what was happening in the family. In this way, she said, we could perhaps achieve a better understanding of what Pluto means to us, of how we experience this archetype in a more personal way. (She says that Pluto is connected with a collective instinct in order to survive.)

With Pluto, she said that, “Events carry a feeling of fatedness, necessity, the unfolding of a previously invisible pattern, unforeseen consequences of earlier choices made not only by oneself, but by one’s family or the collective.”

And further down she said that ” all Pluto transits carry with them an impersonal or collective impetus toward survival through transformation that is archetypal and lies beyond one’s own personal issues.”

Depending on which planet is being touched by transiting Pluto we can have clues on what kind of contribution we are bringing to the collective “impetus to survive”.

The process is so deep and multi layered that I can’t express very well all that has, and still is, happening in my psyche.

But hopefully I will be writing a bit more from now on..