Continual shifts and changes

I just sent an article in Portuguese for a Brazilian blog/website and it was a little challenging to write in my mother thong can you believe it? I think that because I’ve been working pretty hard on writing my assignments for the MA, and also because I’ve been living abroad for almost 12 years as well I suppose… I feel that somehow, at the moment, is easier for me to write more beautifully in English. The words and its combinations come out more easily, I don’t know.

I got the results from my last module and have done pretty well again. Sometimes is hard to believe in your own abilities. The director of my course, Nicholas Campion, sent me an email yesterday regarding some university bureaucracy and mentioned that after two excellent marks he hopes that I will continue doing the course. That was really nice and encouraging as I feel that my sense of self and personal potential gets a bit blurred somehow.

Im also currently writing an article about Saturn in general plus a bit about what happened during my Saturn Return for an online magazine. What an interesting symbol, Im beginning to really love Saturn and its potential for pondered growth, discipline and maturity.  I think that, to my surprise, I am pretty saturnian myself.

Anyway, this blog post was intended to be more about the changes that are happening soon in my life though.

I have given the notice at my job in the community as I realised that I can’t dedicate so much of my time to something that I don’t really want to do it anymore. I want to have more time for my masters and also astrology work, which has never stopped completely but I have been pushing it to the side a bit because Im so busy with other things.

As I was brainstorming about what to do next, Brazil just spontaneously came to my mind, and I decided to go to Brazil at the end of September probably for a longer period than usual. And then I realised that my progressed moon will be shifting to Aquarius in September and my natal IC is in Aquarius. How wonderful symbolism is that? For the first time in almost 12 years I genuinely feel the urge to explore and see with my own eyes, rather than my mother’s, where I come from. I feel that somehow I need to reconnect with that land through like minded people rather than my past only.

It will be interesting going back after Pluto transited my natal Moon and so much transformation and personal work has taken place within myself.

Excited to see what will happen…

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A Saturn returning tale

March 2013.

I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing.

Panic.

My leg went wobbly and all I could do was sit down on the toilet and call my friend Aga who was waiting for me just outside the cabin.

She came in and I asked her to read the result as I could not face it myself.

Aga grabs the test asking me to calm down. She doesnt say anything else. She only stares at that little piece of plastic and I can’t hold the flush of emotions anymore, I just burst into tears in complete despair.

I remember walking from one side to another scratching my forehead, pretty much where the third eye is, asking myself repeatedly “what am I going to do, what am I going to do, what am I going to do…”

That was my worst nightmare becoming reality. I was pregnant.

I knew something  was wrong with me. For at least a month I was not feeling myself at all. The symptoms were just getting more and more intense.

But I was in complete denial. I didn’t want to see what was going on.

You might be asking yourself what was the big deal if I was old enough (I was 28 when that happened) and procreation is just another regular happening in human life.

Not for me though.

When I was a teenager I’ve had nightmares about being pregnant. I (unconsciously) felt sorry whenever I saw a pregnant woman, like it was a bad thing. Like it was purely, and obviously, just suffering.

I see this fear, or whatever we might call it, connected with my natal Saturn in Scorpio in the 12th house (perhaps also connected with Pluto there as well). And I saw my Saturn return bringing those issues back into the surface for me to realise and work on it.

The experience was so profound that I’m not able to fit in a blog post, probably it won’t fit in no matter how many blog posts I write. There were, and there are still, so many dimensions of my being that has being touched and challenged and destroyed.

On 20th of March 2013 I was having an abortion while Mars conjunction Uranus in Aries was transiting my 5th house and Saturn was retrograde hitting my natal Saturn for the second time.

That was the beginning of an intense period of change, the acceleration of natural cycles of death and rebirth, symbolised by the multiple transits that I’ve been having.

It feels like I’ve lived the equivalent of 10 years in the last 3.

I feel freer. I feel lighter.

The amount of pain was tremendous, but I agree with Donna Cunningham when she said that pain is the side effect of growth and we are mistaken when we only focus on that part.

Its like going to the gym, your muscles are sore but you keep your awareness more focuseld on the growth.

Not in a way of suppressing pain but rather in a way of keeping perspective and seeing the big picture in your process of becoming real.