I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing.
My leg went wobbly and all I could do was sit down on the toilet and call my friend Aga who was waiting for me just outside the cabin.
She came in and I asked her to read the result as I could not face it myself.
Aga grabs the test asking me to calm down. She doesnt say anything else. She only stares at that little piece of plastic and I can’t hold the flush of emotions anymore, I just burst into tears in complete despair.
I remember walking from one side to another scratching my forehead, pretty much where the third eye is, asking myself repeatedly “what am I going to do, what am I going to do, what am I going to do…”
That was my worst nightmare becoming reality. I was pregnant.
I knew something was wrong with me. For at least a month I was not feeling myself at all. The symptoms were just getting more and more intense.
But I was in complete denial. I didn’t want to see what was going on.
You might be asking yourself what was the big deal if I was old enough (I was 28 when that happened) and procreation is just another regular happening in human life.
Not for me though.
When I was a teenager I’ve had nightmares about being pregnant. I (unconsciously) felt sorry whenever I saw a pregnant woman, like it was a bad thing. Like it was purely, and obviously, just suffering.
I see this fear, or whatever we might call it, connected with my natal Saturn in Scorpio in the 12th house (perhaps also connected with Pluto there as well). And I saw my Saturn return bringing those issues back into the surface for me to realise and work on it.
The experience was so profound that I’m not able to fit in a blog post, probably it won’t fit in no matter how many blog posts I write. There were, and there are still, so many dimensions of my being that has being touched and challenged and destroyed.
On 20th of March 2013 I was having an abortion while Mars conjunction Uranus in Aries was transiting my 5th house and Saturn was retrograde hitting my natal Saturn for the second time.
That was the beginning of an intense period of change, the acceleration of natural cycles of death and rebirth, symbolised by the multiple transits that I’ve been having.
It feels like I’ve lived the equivalent of 10 years in the last 3.
I feel freer. I feel lighter.
The amount of pain was tremendous, but I agree with Donna Cunningham when she said that pain is the side effect of growth and we are mistaken when we only focus on that part.
Its like going to the gym, your muscles are sore but you keep your awareness more focuseld on the growth.
Not in a way of suppressing pain but rather in a way of keeping perspective and seeing the big picture in your process of becoming real.